101 Ways To Make Your Baby Cry
by the sceptical muppet
Summary: The gang are left with the biggest Bad of them all; Xander's baby cousin. Can anything stop the horrendous noise? Maybe the only solution to this little monster is another monster... one-shot, mild Spuffy. Review for a high five!


**A/N: **Yes, it's OOC, but the beauty of it is that the _characters are aware of this_. I'm still not even sure that I'm pleased with this, but sometimes throwing a story at the general public is the only way to figure out how good it is. It also became a lot more serious than I expected O.o

Set during season five or six.

* * *

There was a monster sitting in the middle of Buffy Summers' living room.

It was an exceptionally common, rather small monster that was frequently underestimated by those who were yet to encounter it.

The monster opened its jaws and let out another ear-splitting screech.

The Scoobies stood a few metres away, watching the creature with expressions ranging from fear to disgust.

Xander flinched back from the sound, wringing his hands anxiously as he turned to Willow.

"Can't you do a spell of some kind? To make it stop?"

"No. It's too powerful. I can't think of anything that would work." The witch replied helplessly, pushing her red hair behind her ears.

"What about the process in the book?" Giles asked, his expression desperate.

Books had never let him down before, and it was to his utter dismay that neat, factual text was proving to be... well, not factual.

"I've done it _three times_," Xander told him, "_three times_, Giles; it's not going to work. Buffy, could you maybe... do something? You know... to appease it? You're the Slayer after all."

Buffy shook her head slowly, and they all winced at the next onslaught of sound.

"I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I don't think any amount of Slayer training could have prepared me for this."

They all turned back to the baby in the cot, in time for the tiny person to suck in a lungful of air and let out another scream.

Xander threw the baby book at the couch.

"I can't take it anymore!" he wailed. "Why did she have to leave him with me? Why?"

Xander's cousin was down in Sunnydale for the week and had left him with her six-month-old son overnight while she caught up with some friends.

The rest of the Scoobies had been horrified by this carelessness, but, as Xander explained, Cousin Rachael had never really been one to think things through. Hence the child.

The baby had been wailing non-stop for the past half hour, despite the group's desperate attempts to calm him, following every step in the baby book Cousin Rachael had left them.

At first, Willow had been up for the challenge, deciding that she had better take over from Xander if the baby was to survive the night. Unfortunately, Thomas was not turning out to be the smiling baby from the ads for all baby products. He was a demon. After figuring this out, Willow had quickly handed the reins back to Xander, who had announced a group emergency.

"_What_ in the name of all that is unholy is that God-awful racket?" demanded a voice from the kitchen, and the group was joined by Spike.

"Who invited you?" Xander asked, but Spike was staring at Thomas.

"Where the bloody hell did that come from?" he asked incredulously.

"Xander's cousin dropped by," Buffy told him without taking her eyes off the baby.

"And left her kid behind?" Spike winced as Thomas let out another all-mighty shriek. "What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing's wrong with it," Xander snapped "we've done everything in the book."

"What; _101 Ways to Make Your Baby Cry_?"

"If you're not going to be useful, Spike, go home."  
"I could eat it," he suggested "this is Sunnydale, after all; mum's not gonna be too shocked."

"Spike you can't eat a _baby_," Willow exclaimed, looking horrified.

"Yeah, you're right; my chip'd have a right field day,"

"That's not what I meant!"

Thomas's screaming increased in volume and Xander went over to pat his head awkwardly.

"There, there. Quiet time now, Thomas. That's enough crying."

"Maybe you should eat him."

"Shut up, Spike."

"You know what; fine. I don't have to be here. I'm going."

Spike spun around in a flourish of leather and started storming towards the back door, but kicked his toe on the leg of the table.

"Bugger!"

Xander snickered and Spike wheeled back to face him, fangs out.

"I may not be able to break your scrawny neck myself, but don't think I won't get someone to do it for me," he snarled, and Xander opened his mouth to reply when something occurred to everyone at the same time.

Silence.

Perfect, blessed silence.

Thomas was staring at Spike through the bars of his cot, his little red face smoothing out. Then he made a soft gurgling noise.

The Scoobies stared at Thomas.

Spike stared at Thomas.

Thomas stared at Spike.

"What are you looking at?"

Thomas's face lit up as he gazed at the monster just across the room, and when Spike let out a growl that made the hair on Xander's arms stand up... the child giggled.

"You think this is funny?" the vampire demanded; Thomas's giggles increased and he clapped his chubby hands together.

Spike looked at Buffy, relaxing his aggressive stance. "What the bloody hell is wrong with that kid?"

She shrugged, looking as baffled as everyone else.

"As long as he's stopped crying, I don't care."

"It's your genes, isn't it Harris? I always had you pegged as part of one of those real weird families."

"Don't you start up on my family, fang-boy! Just because you ate yours, doesn't give you the right to insult other peoples'."

He curled his top lip at Xander, letting his face melt back to human.

Thomas squealed with laughter at the transformation, his tiny frame shaking with giggles as he beamed at Spike.

Willow was mirroring Thomas's smile at finally having some peace.

"Spike, I think he likes you."

"What? Are you daft?"

"Do the forehead thing again," Buffy said, and with a why-do-I-humour-you-so? expression, Spike moulded his face back into a demon's.

The baby's cheeks were going red again, this time with laughter, and Giles shook his head helplessly.

"It appears we've found our answer."

Spike's yellow eyes flickered from Thomas to the man leaning against the doorway.

"To what?"

"Keeping Thomas entertained."

"No! I'm not being your bloody puppet for the evening because you lot can't keep one baby shut up between you."

"Spike, remember all those times Buffy _didn't _kill you?" Xander asked, and Spike's jaw set angrily at the threat "If you leave now, I'm afraid it won't be one of those times."

He looked across at the Slayer and when she showed no objection, collapsed into the nearest chair, folding his arms.

"Fine. Fine! But this is the last time I let you blackmail me into things, you hear me?"

"We hear you, Spike," Giles said tiredly as he drifted in the direction of the kitchen.

"Just pull out your ugly face when he looks like he's gonna cry," Xander ordered, and Spike rolled his eyes.

"Kid screams; vamp face. Got it."

"I meant your other ugly face. Buffy, can you watch him; make sure he doesn't leave? We wouldn't want our entertainment running off." He disappeared around the corner, ignoring Spike's murderous glare.

"Do you think he has any idea how many times he would be dead if it wasn't for this sodding chip in my head?" he asked rhetorically as Buffy sank down into one of the other chairs.

Thomas made a little noise of protest at Spike's diverted attention and was rewarded with a low growl that made him gurgle happily, rocking back on his heavily-padded backside.

The hard line of Spike's mouth twitched a little.

"Stupid little git," he said, but it lacked venom. "Doesn't even see a monster when it's right in front of him."

"Thomas laughs in the face of danger," Buffy said sleepily, settling back into the chair and closing her eyes.

She didn't quite hear Spike's next words, but his tone was gentle in the way the world rarely witnessed.

She was just so tired...

When Buffy's eyes snapped open, the first thing she saw was Spike's empty chair. The fabric was still creased from his body, but the man himself was nowhere to be seen.

She sat up, looking around and her gaze fell on something that made her stomach drop; Thomas's empty cot.

Panic surged through her until she heard a gurgle from outside, followed by a gentle murmur.

Heart still beating fiercely in her chest, Buffy made her way towards the front of the house, following the sound of the alto voice. The clock in the hallway told her that it was now 10:17, and as she slipped through the open door into the cool night air, her eyes found the source of the noise.

Moonlight setting his bleached hair aglow, Spike was standing on the front path, looking up at the stars. Cradled in his arms was... Thomas.

"You see the stars? No, up there. See?" he asked, pointing, and his voice was soft and gentle. Thomas's gaze was still fixed on Spike's face; she could see over his broad, leather-clad shoulder. Buffy felt her lips curve up a little as Spike turned his face towards the baby, and let the small fingers pat his ridged forehead, wincing slightly when Thomas jabbed him in the eye.

"Ow. Careful."

The child's gaze fell on Spike's pointed teeth, and the vampire leaned out of range when he went to touch.

"You don't want to be anywhere near those." He warned. "Slayer'd stake me if you cut your hand. Even if I told her it was your fault."

Thomas made a happy gurgling sound and Spike nodded seriously.

"She would. March right over and _bam_ – straight through the heart." Spike tapped one finger lightly against the baby's chest – Thomas's fist clamped around it contentedly – before he turned his face back to the stars.

Buffy walked down the stairs, coming to a halt by his side. The vampire didn't look away from the velvety sky.

"I thought you were asleep."

" And I thought you were a terrifying monster, but clearly Thomas has tamed you."

Spike snorted.

"Please. I'm only trying to keep the little bugger occupied so I don't get a stake through the heart. And you looked like you needed your sleep," he added a little gruffly.  
"Thanks."

"Well, we wouldn't want you getting eaten by something nasty because your reflexes were down." He said, craning his neck to escape Thomas's hand, which kept reaching for his mouth, vamp teeth or not.

Buffy wasn't sure whether Spike was being serious or sarcastic. She had that problem a lot with him.

They stood together in silence; the Slayer and the soulless vampire cradling a baby, and after a few minutes, Thomas's eyelids began to droop. Seconds later, he was asleep on Spike's shoulder.

The vampire peered down at the child's dreaming face.

"And I'd say that's my ticket to freedom."

Buffy held out her arms and Spike deposited the tiny bundle carefully, his cool hands brushing against her skin as they slid out from under the little body.

"Good night, Spike."

"Good night, pet."

He offered her a brief smile before he turned and walked down the path, his motorcycle boots making a muted clomping noise on the concrete.

Buffy breathed in the cool breeze that ruffled her hair, closing her eyes for a few seconds to marvel at the incredible strangeness of the world before she went back inside.


End file.
